


tell me I'll be fine (maybe this time I'll believe it)

by Megakatze (LaufeiaEvans)



Category: Dalton Academy Series
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Logan's College Roommates, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:34:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24062188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaufeiaEvans/pseuds/Megakatze
Summary: Even years after Hell Night, Logan still struggles with his own memories.But he's got help.
Relationships: Julian Larson-Armstrong/John Logan Wright III
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8





	tell me I'll be fine (maybe this time I'll believe it)

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a "Logan's roommates find out he's dating Julian Larson" fic and turned into a character sketch of Logan's college friends. Someone get this boy a lesbian bff pls

“If you touch this, I will cut your balls off and feed them to you.”

Logan frowned, looking up at his suitemate in confusion. She was brandishing a heavy-looking black pan, wagging it at him with her hands on her hips.

“Um, why?”

“It’s a brand-new, perfectly seasoned cast iron pan,” she explained, as though those words in that order meant anything to Logan. She turned back to the kitchen and tossed the pan down on the stove. “I’m pretty sure you can’t even cook toast, so. Don’t touch.”

“Noted,” Logan replied dryly, returning to the Music Theory assignment in his lap.

Logan hadn’t been sure what to expect when he was placed in a four-person suite with two girls in the opposite room. His own roommate was okay - too busy with his business classes to be around much, which was fine with Logan. But the pair across from them, a tall redhead named Kendra who was in most of his music classes and blue-haired loudmouth Ryan who cooked them all dinner twice a week, had grown on him fast. His first day in the dorms, Ryan had swung open their shared bathroom door and greeted him with, “I don’t know why we’re sharing a bathroom with two dudes, but just so you know, I’m not into dick. So don’t worry about that.” She was great.

“Glad we’re on the same page,” she called out from the kitchen, slamming several pantry doors in succession. “If you promise to behave, you can try some of this mac and cheese when it’s done.”

Cooking seemed to be Ryan’s main way of coping with stress, and Logan quickly learned that if she liked you, she’d invite you to eat the results. He’d made a habit of parking himself in the common area next to the kitchen whenever she was down here, in the hopes of being given a plate with orders to “eat some real shit for once.” It was a pretty good arrangement so far.

Diving back into his homework, Logan did his best to tune out the banging of kitchen utensils. He sipped at his coffee, tapping his pencil on the edge of the notebook in his lap. Music Theory wasn’t a hard class, but he was having trouble focusing right now.

“Oh shit,” Ryan hissed, and Logan glanced over just in time to see her opening the oven and being hit with a faceful of smoke.

He smelled it before he heard it. That unmistakable odor of an unidentified burning something, the smoke filling up his lungs. It can’t have been that bad - he was several feet away from the kitchen door, and Ryan closed the oven almost immediately - but the smell still hit him full-force just as the first alarm rang out.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Ryan muttered, hastily scrambling to turn off the heat and stop whatever she was cooking. She threw down her oven mitts, grabbing her keys off the counter and storming out to the common area. But Logan wasn’t paying attention to that. His notebook had slid off his lap, the remains of his coffee spilled on the floor as his hands shook.

“Logan?”

Her voice barely reached him, between the blaring fire alarm and the fog clouding his mind. He was vaguely aware that his heart was pounding, his breathing quickened, and he noticed belatedly that Ryan was waving her hand in front of his face.

“Yo. Logan. You good?”

More voices joined hers, a muffled chorus of concern whose source Logan couldn’t quite place.

“Is he okay?”

“What happened, is this a false alarm?”

“Come on, guys, line up outside. Hurry.”

“Logan, c’mon, we gotta _go_.”

He came back to his senses when Ryan grabbed his hand and he jerked away, breathing hard. He looked up at her, eyes wild, his vision finally coming back into focus.

“I—“ he stuttered out, and then the tears started.

“Logan! Hey, are you okay? We gotta get out of here, c’mon.” Kendra’s face swam into view, hovering next to Ryan’s, and Logan nodded, shaking with the sobs he couldn’t control. With all the strength he could muster, he pushed himself up and stumbled across the room in the general direction of the door.

“Don’t touch him,” Ryan snapped to someone behind them. “I think he’s having a panic attack.”

“Logan, hey, listen to me,“ Kendra said softly, her hand hovering behind Logan’s back, guiding him to the door. “We’re gonna get you outside, okay? This way. Almost there.”

He reached for the railing as soon as they exited the building, clinging to it with both hands and dragging himself down the stairs. When his feet hit the grass, he collapsed, slumping against the bottom step and curling his hands into fists in his lap.

“What the fuck do we do?” whispered Ryan through gritted teeth.

“Is this normal?” Kendra asked immediately, and the reply came from a third voice.

“I’ve never seen him like this.” Logan’s roommate. He must have joined the girls as they evacuated.

“Julian—“ Logan gasped out, and they all turned to look at him.

“Huh?”

“Call Julian.”

His phone was still in the building, left on the coffee table while he was studying. Ryan nodded and dashed back through the door, ignoring the protests of their RAs. Logan hugged his knees to his chest, staring up at the darkening sky and screwing his eyes shut.

“Breathe,” Kendra reminded him. “In, 2, 3, 4, out, 2, 3, 4.”

He followed her instructions, trying to visualize the breathing exercises he’d been taught in therapy during those first few months. It helped a little bit, and he could feel his heart rate slowing down, even if his chest still shook with violent sobs.

“What’s your passcode?” Ryan scurried down to Logan’s other side, crouching beside him in the grass.

“0518,” he said automatically, and he tried to focus in on the sound of her nails tapping on his touchscreen.

“Got it,” she said, as much to the other two as to Logan. The call came in on speakerphone, and each ring caused the feeling of dread in his chest to strengthen until Julian finally answered.

“Hey, babe, what’s going on? It’s still early, you’re lucky I’m off today.”

Logan took a deep, shaky breath.

“Jules?” he choked out, and the voice on the other side of the speaker suddenly shifted from cheerful to severe.

“Whoa, hey, talk to me. What happened? Are you okay?’

“The—the fire alarm,” Logan stammered. “I-I-I d-don’t—“

A new wave of panic welled in his chest, and he tried and failed to choke back a sob.

“Shhh,” Julian’s voice crooned through the speaker. Ryan gently set down the phone in front of him and got to her feet, shuffling the other two a few feet back from the stairs. Logan was well aware that everyone in the building was staring at him now, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. At least they were keeping their distance.

“It’s just an alarm,” Julian said gently. “Probably some kid burning pizza or something, right?”

“M-my suitemate,” Logan explained, taking a deep breath and fighting to control his voice. “It’s th-the oven. Something b-burned.”

“Okay,” Julian said, and if Logan closed his eyes he could picture the reassuring smile on his face. “Good. That’s good, you’re safe. Can you breathe for me?”

Logan took a deep, shuddering breath.

“Perfect. Can you tell me five things you can see?”

Logan forced his eyes open. “The moon,” he said, blinking back tears. He turned his gaze downward. “Um, the—the s-sidewalk. My shoes.” He stared at his feet for a moment, digging his heel into the grass. “Th-the black Oxfords.”

“Two more things,” Julian said patiently.

“There’s a-a tree on the front lawn,” Logan answered, glancing up at the branches. The wind shook them just slightly, whooshing through leaves that had just started to fall. “And…and the rest of the dorm. They’re standing along the road.” _Staring at me_ , he thought, but he didn’t voice that aloud.

“Don’t think about them,” Julian said quickly, apparently sensing Logan’s discomfort. “Focus on me. Tell me four things you hear.”

“Your voice,” Logan said automatically, the corners of his lips twitching into the smallest of smiles. “Um, the wind. The—I think the fire department is on their way, I hear sirens.” He started to think about the trucks arriving, about all the commotion once first responders caught sight of him, knees hugged to his chest in the grass while he clung to the railing for dear life. Before he could start panicking again, he forced himself to keep talking. “People are…are chatting, on the road. Whispering.” _About me_ , he didn’t say.

“One more.”

He focused in on Julian’s voice, reciting the script they’d both used many times whenever things got to be too much. “Water. The fountain in the quad.”

“Good,” Julian confirmed, and Logan’s shoulders relaxed a little. “Three things you feel.”

“The ground’s wet,” he said, and Julian chuckled lightly. Logan found himself smiling in return. “And the—the railing. It’s cold. I’m holding on to it.” He adjusted his grip, grounding himself, wishing in the back of his mind that he was holding on to Julian’s hand instead. With his free hand, he reached out and scooped up his phone, resting his wrist on his knee. “My phone in my hand.”

“Good, you’re doing great, baby.” Logan closed his eyes, drinking in the sound of Julian’s voice. His breathing slowed, his mind focusing in on the boy on the other side of the call. “Two things you can smell?”

“Wet grass,” Logan said, his eyes still closed. “And cologne.”

“And one thing you can taste?”

“Spearmint gum.”

He opened his eyes, breathing deeply. The twisting feeling in his stomach had subsided, his heart rate returned mostly to normal. He blinked, taking in his surroundings. Ryan, Kendra, and Cameron stood off to the side, huddled together behind the opposite railing and pretending not to look at him. The students lined up along the road were a lot less subtle, glancing at him with expressions of worry and shock. He forced himself to look away.

“Better?”

“Much,” he replied, swallowing hard. “Thank you.”

“Any time, you know that.” A rustling on the other end told him Julian was moving. He remembered it was still late afternoon in LA.

“I didn’t interrupt you, did I?” He knew Julian would answer for him even during a filming break, and as much as he appreciated it, he didn’t want to get Julian in trouble. He could handle himself if he had to.

“Nah, I’m at home. Just gotta feed Sneakers.”

Logan grinned. “Tell him he’s a little shit.”

Julian laughed. “Oh, he knows.”

They were interrupted by the arrival of Logan’s RA, flanked by two firemen and looking at Logan like he was a wild animal in danger of biting. Logan fought back his annoyance at that and instead turned his attention to the man with a clipboard.

“Evening,” he said, forcing a smile.

“Everything okay here, son?” the other fireman asked.

“I’m fine,” Logan sighed. He pulled himself up against the railing, still clutching his phone. His legs felt weak, his muscles sore, but he pushed through it, rising to meet them all at his full height.

“What happened here?” asked the man with the clipboard.

“Panic attack,” Logan mumbled. “I’m fine now.”

“Do you experience panic attacks often?”

He considered lying, but he wasn’t ready for Julian’s disappointment if he overheard. He took a deep breath and stared down at his feet.

“A couple times a year, maybe.” He dug into the ground with his toe. “It varies.”

“Any underlying medical conditions?”

His jaw clenched, face growing hot.

“PTSD,” he said finally, and his RA’s face folded with concern.

“Do you need medical attention?”

“No,” Logan said quickly. He looked up, meeting the man’s eyes. “No, I’m fine. Can I go back inside?”

“In a moment. Do you need anything now?”

He licked his lips nervously. “Water,” he said. The man looked at his partner, who nodded and hurried back to the truck. He scrawled something on his clipboard and glanced back at Logan.

“Any medical providers you’d like us to notify?”

“No,” Logan insisted, his annoyance getting stronger. “I don’t need a doctor.”

The man glanced at the RA, who jumped in.

“We need to file an incident report,” he explained, almost apologetically. “It’s fine if you don’t want medical attention, but I have to document that.”

Logan glared at him. “Fine,” he said through gritted teeth.

The second fireman jogged back to them, holding out a bottle of water to Logan. He took it gratefully, downing nearly half the bottle in one swig.

The team who had run into the building came out then, giving the all-clear to the two officers surrounding Logan. They nodded and asked him one more time if he needed anything, and when he again insisted that he was fine, thank you, they left him alone with his RA.

“The paperwork’s in my room,” he said cautiously. “I’ll contact you later this week if you don’t want to do it now.”

“That would be great, thanks.” Logan gave him a tight smile. He was absolutely not in the mood to deal with this tonight.

“And…if there’s anything you need from us, to make sure this doesn’t…”

Logan bit back his anger and tried to remind himself that the guy was just trying to help. Even if the last thing Logan wanted was to talk about this right now, he clearly meant well.

Logan was just exhausted.

“No thank you,” he said a little more harshly than he intended. His grip on his phone tightened. “I’ve got it under control.”

His RA nodded. “Okay. Just…remember you can come to me. Or the counseling center.”

Logan forced another smile. “Got it.”

The RA seemed to take the hint and turned back to help with ushering the other students into the building. Logan sat down in the grass, his back to the stairs, and held his phone out in front of him.

“You still there?”

Julian’s reply came instantly. “Of course, babe. As long as you need.”

Logan smiled.

“Can I video you? I want to see your face.”

“Sure. Give me a second.”

There was static on the other end of the line as Julian adjusted his phone and turned on the video. Logan hit _Accept_ almost immediately, his smile widening as Julian’s face filled his screen.

“Hey.”

“How are you feeling?”

Logan’s smile dropped just slightly.

“At least I don’t have to fill out paperwork tonight,” he said, trying to make it into a joke. It didn’t quite land. Julian smiled sympathetically, tilting his head.

“They’re taking care of you, at least,” he pointed out, and Logan figured that was true, even if he hated it.

“I hate saying it out loud,” he said suddenly, clenching his jaw against another wave of tears he didn’t want to let flow.

Julian nodded with understanding. “I know,” he said softly.

“It feels like he won.”

Julian sighed, looking more hurt than Logan had seen him in a while. He almost regretted saying it, but they’d had so many conversations about honesty at this point that he knew Julian would be more upset if he didn’t say anything.

“He didn’t,” Julian insisted. “Logan, listen to me. It’s over now. We all have our own shit to deal with, and yeah, that sucks. I’m—“ His voice cracked, and Logan wondered if he shouldn’t have called. “I still can’t be around cigarette smoke without feeling like I’m going to die.” That was true. But the knowledge that Julian was suffering as well didn’t exactly help. “Look, you’re doing better every day. You think you could’ve calmed down that fast in high school?”

Logan laughed in spite of himself. “No, probably not.”

“Exactly.” Julian grinned. “Give yourself some credit.”

He shook his head. “Okay, point taken.”

A flash of blue caught his eye, and he looked up to see Ryan leaning around the railing.

“Not to interrupt,” she said carefully. “But I wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

He lowered his phone and flashed her a tired smile.

“I will be,” he said, and she smiled.

“I think I’m gonna order takeout for tonight,” she mumbled, and he laughed. “I know you’re tired, but you should eat. Some rice, at least.”

Logan nodded. “I will,” he said sincerely, only partly because he knew she wouldn’t let him go to bed without dinner after all that.

She grinned, giving him a little salute before swinging back around the railing and bounding up the stairs.

Logan chuckled as he turned back to the call. Julian was grinning ear to ear.

“Sounds like you’re in good hands there,” he drawled, and Logan laughed.

“She’s crazy.” He shook his head, amused. “She nearly set the house on fire to make mac and cheese.”

“So pretty much just like Dalton.”

Logan snickered. “She can at least make something palatable. If she manages to finish it.”

Julian smiled genuinely, and Logan was overcome with a desire to kiss him. He wanted to curl up on his chest and breathe him in, letting Julian run his fingers through his hair until he could fall asleep without thinking about the fire, or Adam, or any of this. He wanted Julian’s voice in his ear, the rumble of his chest against Logan’s whole body, not just a cheap imitation through his phone speaker.

He wanted _Julian_.

“I miss you,” he mumbled, and Julian sighed.

“I miss you too.”

They sat like that for a moment, just watching each other, memorizing the sight of the other’s face for when they had to say goodbye.

“I’ll call you later,” Julian promised. “But it sounded like you have food waiting for you.”

Logan chuckled. “Not yet,” he grumbled. “Ryan will want to see me though.”

“Go, then,” Julian said with a grin. “Call me later. I’ll be here.”

Logan beamed. “I love you.”

“Love you too.”

Julian blew a kiss to the screen, and Logan laughed, returning his little wave as he shut off the call with a lazy smile.

He stayed like that for a moment, sitting in the grass and staring at the blank screen absently. He felt worlds better than he had just a moment ago, and while he felt a pang of guilt at relying so heavily on Julian, he was eternally grateful for his boyfriend’s willingness to help him work through his bad days.

And, as it turned out, Julian wasn’t the only one.

He dragged himself up, brushing off his jeans and trying to ignore the fact that they were now soaked through. He could change into pajamas before the food got there, probably. He didn’t feel like eating in the common room anyway. Ryan would bring it up to his room if it meant getting him to eat.

He smiled gently as he dragged himself up the stairs, his body still exhausted but his heart feeling a little lighter.

—

When Logan went down for his morning coffee the next day, he couldn’t help but smile at the new series of bright blue Post-It notes decorating the wall behind the stovetop.

CLEAN OUT THE FUCKING OVEN YOU PRICKS  
-Ryan

He shook his head, chuckling as he put a pot on to brew.

Maybe Julian was right about him being in good hands.


End file.
